Don’t be afraid to walk the path alone.
I’ve always heard this quote (or some version of it) over the years but it hasn’t been something that’s resonated with me until recently.
I’ve been having a difficult time adjusting to life in Prince Edward Island after moving from the Toronto area because I’ve felt isolated. I’ve always been OK with being alone but for the first time I feel extraordinarily lonely, and that’s really hard for me to come to terms with.
This loneliness is why I didn’t put out a post last Thursday. It’s the same loneliness has me writing a post on Sunday evening.
Because I don’t have problems with being alone it took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I am co-dependent in my relationships. From an anxiety-ridden relationship and (consequently) traumatic breakup I had at the age of 16, to being an emotionally-neglected and frequently gaslighted child, it’s not that surprising. Nevertheless, I know it’s an unhealthy way to move through life and my goal for 2020 has been to work on my co-dependency.
The problem is I don’t know where to start. I can pinpoint the feelings and my triggers but I’m not sure how to correct them. I do have an appointment with a therapist lined up and I think this is where I want us to focus our energy, but I know it can be a long, slow process and I’ll have to practice a lot of patience. In the meantime, I have been into mantras, lately, and I think I’m going to use the above quote to guide me through the month of March.
Today was a good start.
We had a fairly big snowfall overnight that continued all day long. I watched the snow fall for a while before I started feeling stir-crazy. Finally, I pulled on my boots and decided to go for a walk in the snow. Alone.
I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted someone to walk and talk with me, but I started walking, determined to shake the loneliness and pain I was feeling. I was surprised when it started working. I started having fun trying to avoid deep pockets of snow and watching snow settle in my hair. I stopped to grab some photos. I tried to let my mind wander and enjoy everything around me.
By the time I got home I felt much better. I didn’t feel quite as lonely. In fact, I felt so light and playful I let myself fall onto my front lawn and I made my first snow angel in years. It sounds so mundane but I laughed so hard and didn’t care who saw me. Had I not be alone I might not have had that freedom to fully be me.
So, for March, I’m taking a step in letting my co-dependent nature lessen. I’m going to try really hard to keep doing things instead of sitting at home, even if no one wants to join me. I’m going to try to find freedom in solitude. I don’t expect a change overnight or to flip my mental health on its head, but I really hope I learn something new about myself this month and find a peace I’m lacking.
What are you doing for yourself in March?
What do you want to work on?
Do you have any tips for overcoming co-dependency?