The end of this week I started feeling really numb. For three days straight I didn’t shed a single tear. I was sort of fearful, worried that I was already over my father’s death and terrified about what that said about me. Maybe that’s selfish, but those were the thoughts I had.
The truth is, I was busy. I went away for a couple of days; My scenery had changed, I was surrounded by people, and I was part of a happy celebration. I had something to distract me.
Things started shifting the second night I was away. I remember being in the middle of a crowded arcade, the lone single following around three couples (and only one couple I knew before the getaway), and I felt so lonely and empty. I love being alone, but feeling lonely is painful.
The emptiness and numbness morphed back into sadness today. I was torn between relief at the ability to cry again, and agony from the sheer pain I was holding onto. Part of me feels like I’m heading back into depression and that scared the hell out of me. It’s hard to know what feelings are situational and what feelings are my own mental illness.
I’ve known for a long time that healing isn’t linear but I feel like I’m learning this lesson for the first time.
And I feel so lost.