I’m… happy?

I’m happy. Like, really happy.

Sometimes I find myself doing the most mundane tasks and wanting to pinch myself because I can’t believe how happy I am. For the longest time I thought something was wrong with me because I felt So. Damn. Happy.

This might sound like an overreaction to happiness but, chances are, if you struggle with depression this might hit close to home.

Because when I’m happy, I tend to find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Sure, I’m happy today, but tomorrow I’ll probably be miserable.

Happiness? This won’t last.

Remember how we usually see life as a bleak existence and some days you can barely find the motivation to shower? What if happiness fades and we’re back to the beginning?

That is how I usually experience happiness; Never fully happy because I know that depression is not something I will ever completely recover from. So I wait to feel miserable, again.

Happiness also feels unfamiliar because I spent two years in a depression with no significant periods of non-depression. I also vividly remember the fall of 2018 when I was seriously suicidal. I’ve experienced a lot of darkness in the last few years and I still feel like my eyes are adjusting to the light.

Sometimes I also wonder why I’m happy. I’m 30 years old, I had to move back home, for the first time since I turned 15 I’ve been single for a long period of time, and, my life is not where I thought it would be. But I still feel so much joy.

I hesitate to use a quote from a Kevin Spacey movie, but it’s one of my favourites and accurately sums this time of my life:

“I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst, and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.”

I know my happiness won’t last. One day I will wake up and realize it’s been days since I last smiled or honestly laughed. I’ll wake up and realize there’s a weight in my chest that makes walking through life exhausting. But today… today I am so unbelievably happy.

And for once, I’ve found the ability to embrace it.