I don’t know what to say this year so please bear with me for what I’m sure is about to be a loosely edited ramble.

I’ve been dealing with mental health struggles, both my own and others, for so long now that I never imagined that it could touch my life even more intimately than it already had. Yet, here we are. It’s been just over four months since my father made the decision to end his struggle with depression.

I feel lost.
I feel sad.
Sometimes I just want to scream from all the pain and grief I’m holding onto.
I want to smash things.
I cry all the time.
I can’t figure out the balance between sharing his struggles and his story while simultaneously protecting it, and (for someone who has an almost pathological need to share her feelings) I feel like I could explode from everything I’m holding inside.

My heart breaks every day.
It breaks for what was and what could have been.
It breaks for my dad, for myself, for my sister, for my stepmother, for my mother, for his siblings… the list never ends.
Our lives will never be the same.
We are left with so many questions that will never be answered.
Why did you do this?
Is there anything we could have done to save you?
What did we miss?

And I don’t know what to do.
I don’t want my father’s struggles and his death to be in vain.
I want to give it meaning.
I want to save others from their mental health struggles.
I want to save families from being left with the horrible grief that accompanies suicide.
I just don’t know how to do it.

And I fucking hate myself for it.

But hey, let’s talk.

2 thoughts on “#BellLetsTalk2022

  1. You being open is a step to helping others. Some people couldn’t even bare to write out their feelings.

    “If the memory still hurts, write it out.”

    Heal. so it can help those around you heal. Taking on everyone’s grievance/pain, only stunts your healing. Heal. So you can be a light for them and others going through similar traumas/grievances.



  2. You’re heart is so big and you take on so much. But know that it’s not your task alone to save others from their own struggles or how they could be effected by others’ struggles around them. Taking on that burden is more than any one person can hold and can only perpetuate the unfulfilled feeling or feeling of failure.

    You’re presence, voice and thoughts share enough love and support that every little bit can help someone. And you make a difference! Never forget how much of a difference you make each and every day to those around you. Just sharing your thoughts like this could be the difference someone needed to help them just that little bit more.

    It starts with yourself, and that work being done for you shines through to help guide those you seek to help.


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